I know some of you didn't get a chance to catch last night's Family Guy, which is the best damn pirate bit I've ever seen, due to lack of televisions or time. And that really is a shame, because it truly made me glad to be a pirate...


So I'm bringing it to you here!  AH-HA!



Enjoy!

God I love being a pirate...

Before I forget...

ATTENTION ALL HANDS:  Family Guy tonight is entitled Long John Peter... and it's a pirate episode!  Be sure to watch!

Evangelicals are saying that their movement has become too political.

Well, duh!

In fact, didn't I just say this in a roundabout way just a few entries ago?

This has been a "Well, Duh!" moment.  We now return you to your regular lives.

Oh buddy!  The catfish are calling!

I got a date with a chilly bank, a tub of chicken livers, and a rod and reel.

Well, I seem to have been tagged by the Reverend Doctor Love, and apparently am bound by some unknown cannon law to fulfill the terms presented to me.  Very well, let us have the rules:

Here are the rules: 1) Link back to the person who tagged you (that= me!). 2) Post the rules on your blog. 3) Write six things about yourself. 4) Tag six people at the end of your post by posting links to their blog sites. 5) Let them know they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their site. 6) And let your tagger know when your entry is up.

1.  I have read the entire Bible.  Yep, the whole thing, cover to cover.  It took me just over a year (counting the 3 month break I took halfway through the Old Testament.)  And that is counting the Apocrypha, because the Bible that I read is a NRSV that includes the canon from the Catholic, Greek, and Slavonic churches, without all the denominational dogma.  I took the time to read all of those extra books, because, in my opinion, if it was important enough to make it into a particular group's canon, and it doesn't cause contradictions, then it can't really hurt.  I actually own multiple Bible translations, but I mostly used them for cross reference purposes, because the NRSV is my favorite.  And if you're wondering, my favorite book is the Gospel According to John.

2.  I believe that buying healthy cereal is blasphemy.  Remember when you were a kid, and you'd wake up on Saturday morning, grab a bowl of cereal, and plant your butt in front of the television to watch hours and hours of cartoons?  Wasn't that fun?  Breakfast used to be fun!  You'd sit there, watching your Ninja Turtles, and every 5 or so minutes they'd go to a commercial break, and tell you that you were eating the wrong cereal!   And you believed it!  It was awesome!  Well, I refuse to dishonor such happy memories.  I still believe that breakfast can and should be that much fun.  I mean, c'mon, you're probably going to get pissed off by some idiot driver before you get to your job/school/destination, so why not have a little bit of fun before you face all of that?  But you can't do it with All Bran, you can't do it with Total, Special K, Kashi, Muselix, or any of that other menagerie of cardboard chunks disguised as food.  No sir, you need your ass come Coco Puffs, some Cap'n Crunch, Fruity Pebbles, or Lucky Charms.  As long as it has a cartoon mascot, you're good to go.  Better still if it comes with a toy. 

3.  I hated Jimmy Buffett's last album.  Crap... I think I just made half of my friends have some sort of cardiovascular distress.  Yes, it's true, I, the Parrothead to end all Parrotheads, hated a Buffett album.  But this isn't unusual, I actually hated most of the albums that he put out in the 80's.  Why?  For the same reasons I hated his latest album:  it was sloppy, boring, and at times, patronizing.  I thought Jimmy had moved past all of that, but apparently one Alan Jackson was a bad influence.  Boy, I sure do hope those EMTs revived you guys...

4.  My favorite thing to bake is bread.  It's just something about taking all day to make food, I dunno, it's just good for the soul.  And I love working with yeast, I think they're the best microorganisms ever.  Also, I knead my bread by hand, exclusively.  Yes it hurts, yes I am always sore afterwards, yes it pisses off my arthritis, but it's just so... rewarding.

5.  I still love dinosaurs.  I just never grew out of them.  If there's a special on the Discovery Channel about dinosaurs, or anything remotely related to dinosaurs or paleontology in general, my ass will be parked right in front of the television, and I won't be moved until it's over.

6.  My gumbo kung-fu is stronger than your gumbo kung-fu.  I've been making gumbo for about a year now, and I love it.  It's like a fever that gets into your bones and lays dormant, but every couple of months is rises back up... and you must make gumbo, lest you die!  Like I said, I have only been at this for a year, but I have never burned a roux.  Never.  And it always comes out fantastic.  Now, I'm not saying I could take on a professional, not yet anyway, but I'm sure my gumbo could hold its own against any amateur out there.  So bring it on!

Very well, I am finished.  So the following people... consider yerselves tagged!

Burn, doc_krashenbern
Nona, wasouthard
Matt, agentbraddick
Sarah, tresjolie9
Juli, squee4242

And of course, that hippie ninja bastard Piper, peace_piper

It's official.  I don't want to vote for anybody.

I don't like Hillary because she's a bitch with lots of shiny words, but no actual plan.  Not to mention that wonderful little lie about the visit to Bosnia.  That one really pissed me off.

I don't like O'Bama because he's Irish.  Heh, see what I did there?  Somebody thought I was going to say something about his religious background, and instead I made a joke.  Let me 'splain something about my views on religion in politics...

It don't work.  You want to know why?  Because you can be a Christian, and still be a dumbass, a douche bag, a tool, a tyrant, a pussy, and a maniac.  Jesus still loves you, that isn't the issue, but you can still make bad decisions.  Incidentally, sin and bad presidents come from the same place, bad decisions.  Go figure.

The way I see it, if I wanted to vote in this election purely based on religion, then I could only vote for one man.  Jesus of Nazareth.  Why not?  He is the only man ever to walk the earth that has been sinless, why settle for less?  Morals and values are guaranteed!  Sadly, though, he isn't a natural born citizen of the USA (even though he technically created it), and Congress would get pissed about that.  Also, some of the more anal retentive folks in office would also argue that he was only 33 when he died, and was resurrected to eternal life... and would probably try to argue that he hasn't actually aged since being raised from the dead, and therefore does not meet the minimum required age of 35 to run for the office of president.   And that's not the end of it, either!  It could be argued that, since the Sanhedrin found him guilty of blasphemy before they took him to Pilate, Jesus is a convicted felon!  He couldn't even register to vote in this country!

So I keep religion out of my political views.  That isn't to say that I don't try to make a fair judgment of a candidate's morals and values to see if they agree with my own.  I just look at a candidate and ask myself "Can this person fix this mess we're in?"

And the answer is:  No.

Hillary's a lying bitch.

Obama's a tool who is just telling everyone what they want to hear.  In that respect, the only difference between him and Hillary is the size of their penises... and yes, Hillary's is bigger.

And McCain... well, it's gotten so bad on the Democratic side of things, that they're actually making him look good.  Just typing that makes me feel so... dirty.

But before you ask, no.  I am not voting for Nader.  Why?  Because pot makes me see hobos... long story... but if I couldn't reap the benefits of legalized marijuana, then possibly putting up with him for 4 years would be unbearable.

Fuck it, I'm voting for Jimmy Buffett.

 "Hey, Popey!  Ima call you Popey, cuz your the Pope. Hehhehheh!"

"You know, Popey, we got a sayin in Texas.  It goes "Don't mess with Texas."  But you know what, I like you, Popey.  So I'm gonna change that saying to "Don't Mess with Texas... or Popey neither."  Hehhehheh!"

"Popey, I gotta hand it to you.  You've got some nice clothes there.  I guess my question is, boxers or briefs?  Or do ya do that swaddlin' thing like them sumo rasslers?  Hehhehheh!"

"Man, Popey, it must be cool havin a whole country for yourself with millions of followers around the world.  But you know what?  I gots somethin you don't...  Guitar Hero in every room of my house!  And Ima superstar on Xbox and Wii!  Lets cut all this meetin crap and go play.  Hehhehheh!"

"Hey, Popey.  You watch Battlestar?  Cuz I do, and I'm startin to think Cheney might be a Cylon.  Hehhehheh... wait, that one's not funny."

"Hey, Popey, I gotta question for ya.  How come that rabbi, that minister, and that priest keep goin places and doin stuff together?  Everybody keeps tellin me stories about em, and I just don't get it.  Is it one them inter-faith councils that ya'll been having every couple of years?  Hehhehheh!"

and the worst one of all...

"Hey, Popey, I just wanna congratulate you on beatin' John Paul in the popey-lections.  I used to call him Popey, too.  Nice guy.  What's he up to lately?"

Oh yes, friends.  I have my Shadow Guard.


For those of you who don't know why I'm excited, well, I could explain.  But then again you probably wouldn't care.  So let us just leave it at a new Star Wars video game that's going to be so big that they're putting out a novel and action figures for it.  On the off chance you might be just a little interested, click the link to see a seriously awesome preview.

Now all I needs me is a Seriously Fucked Up Darth Vader, and my collection will be complete!


... for about 2 weeks.

FREAKAZOID IS FINALLY COMING TO DVD!!!!!

PROMOTIONS FOR EVERYONE!!!!

AW HELL, TWO PROMOTIONS FOR EVERYONE!!!

HUGBEES!!!!!

Today was a good day. Broke my fast. Went to church for the fourth time this week and... well, that's going to have to wait for another entry that doesn't end in offensive material.

So there's a kind of tradition around my house. You see besides being the most holy holiday in my religion, somehow Easter got tied to Star Wars. It comes from back about six years ago, when Mom and I were working at Wally-World, and I had to work on Easter Sunday. I woke up, and was surprised that after many long years of absence, the Easter Bunny had paid me a visit, and brought me not only candy, but the Indiana Jones box set and what would become the first Star Wars action figures in my collection. I ended up going into work, faking sick, and coming home, and Mom and I watched Raiders of the Lost Ark and Star Wars together. Since then, we always watch Star Wars either on Easter Sunday or close to it.

We watched A New Hope and Empire, and then we decided to watch Easter Specials on Youtube and whatnot. After watching "It's The Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown!" I thought I'd share a little parody of that particular special with you all, to hopefully give you a good laugh.

But first, a warning...

WARNING!!!! The following video contains HIGHLY OFFENSIVE MATERIAL! It comes from MOSTOFFENSIVEVIDEOS.COM, which should be warning enough for any of you. If you are offended by programs like The Boondocks, then do not watch. If you have small children in your household, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, PLUG IN YOUR HEADPHONES! I don't want to get any angry comments because you decided just to pipe it through your speakers, your kid hears this stuff, and then starts using phrases like "I'll snap your dick off and shit it out!" or "Knuckle fucker." I'm not kidding, folks! This video is so offensive, that it passes through shock and horror, and comes out the other side to a funny place. Don't get pissed at me if you watch this video anyway and get offended. I warned you. Also, I would like to state plainly and for the record that this video does not express my views or opinions. I am not racist. I had nothing to do with the making of this video. Don't call Jesse Jackson on me, and send the NAACP after my cat because you get offended. This video is a joke, and for all I know it was made by people of many races. If you get offended, it's on your head, and I bloody well don't want to hear about it. By watching this video, you are hereby waving any right to hold me accountable for its content, henceforth and in perpetuity, throughout this universe, or any others.

Oh yeah, it's really so bad that I felt a need to put a waver in my content warning. I'm not joking.

Now, over to my friends and community pages to see the wrath of our onslaught!

...

...

...

Wow.  Oh yeah.  That really stuck it to them.  Yep, they know who they're messing with now.

Me, and three other friends.

It's nice to know how much other people care.  Way to step up, bloggers.

Worst... boycott... ever!

I need a drink.

Apparently there is a boycott of Livejournal that begins on Friday.

Why, exactly, I am not quite sure, except that a lot of people are pissed at the new management.

Hot diggity-crap!  That's good enough for me!

No logins for me from 0000hrs Friday, to 0000hrs Saturday.

Dyarr, we'll scuttle these barnacle faced monkey pumpers but good!

And while yer at it, somebody tell the Cap'n what this be all about.  In brief.

This morning... ok, afternoon, sue me, I'm an insomniac... I woke up, grabbed my cup of coffee, and sat down at my computer to let my brain boot up while I read the news, checked my normal websites, and otherwise shut out the non-digital world until my brain was ready to deal with it.  I sat down, woke up Compy, clicked the Firefox icon, and...

Nothing.

I thought, ok, it's no big deal, I'll just reboot.

Still nothing.

I thought, ok, maybe this has something to do with the godawful construction going on that so often cuts out our cable.  Surely in a couple of hours, everything will be fine, right?

Wrong.

After about a half hour on the phone with tech support, the verdict was given.  My DSL modem is dead.  Luckily, it was well within its warranty, and they're sending another one.

But it won't get here until Friday.

In the meantime, they've given us 20 hours of dialup for free, just to tide us over.  So I dusted out my old modem port, plugged in the phone line, and the horror began.

We didn't have super high speed, we were on the $10 DSL plan that.  It isn't that fast, but fast enough for what I like to do.  Gives me access to Youtube and other websites with no lag.  I'm happy with it.

When my computer was bogged down with spyware, it was still at least 8 times faster than this damned dialup!  It is evil!  I feel like a damned hippie!

"Oh!  Dude!  Seriously!  You don't need highspeed internet!  It's like, the corporations, they just use it to try to make you think that you need it!  It's not that it's slow, man, it's just... karma-centric.  Like, dude, it gives you time to make a cup of wheat-grass tea, write a song about how everybody needs to love each other, and teach bunnies to hug trees before you connect!"

Dammit.

Well if I'm being reduced to hippie-dom, then I'm gonna act like a hippie, and write a song about my lack of highspeed...

To the tune of Don McLean's American Pie...

Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it. Ask for anything: latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, thoughts on yaoi, favorite type of underwear, graphic techniques, etc. Repost in your own journal so that we can all learn more about each other.

Here lately, even though we're on the Do Not Call Registry, we've been getting some telemarketers and just plain hang-ups calling every day.  When I see the caller ID say "No Caller ID", I know it's going to be one of these people.

Well, I was trying to feed the cat, and the phone rings.  I'm feeling a little feisty today, so I walk over to the phone, see "No Caller ID," and am frustrated, so I decide to have a little fun.

(My thoughts in Italics)

*picks up the phone*

Me (loudly)-"WHAT!?!"

Male Voice- "Uh, hello?"

Me (gruffly)- Hello.

Male Voice- "Uh, is this Mr. Mitchell?"

Me (slightly puzzled)- "Yes."

Male Voice- "This is Deputy (name withheld) with the Lauderdale County Sheriff's Department, how are you doing today?"

Me- OH SHIT... "Um... I'm just fine, sir.  How are you?"

Deputy- "I'm doing just fine sir, we're calling because we're having a fund raiser to help raise money for bullet proof vests for our cadets, and I was wondering if we could count on you for a donation."

God- "Uh-huh, you got caught, didn't ya?  You'd better do it, boy."

Me- "Yes sir."

Deputy- "Great! How much can I put you down for?"

So he took my info, I pledged $12, and you bet your ass I'll be sending it in.  I considered it a bribe so that hopefully they won't arrest my ass one some chumped-up charge for disrespecting a police officer.  Oh yes, friends and neighbors, God taught me a little lesson about respecting my fellow man today.

The moral of this little story:  Always answer the phone politely, because it just might be a cop, and he might not be calling asking for a donation.

Thank God for small mercies.

The following entry of Captain Will's Blog is dedicated to anyone who's ever fallen in love.

This entry is also dedicated to the men and women of Columbia University, whose tireless efforts to create a race of super beings continues undaunted.

This episode is also dedicated to Mrs. Ashley Hugbees of Fullers Earth, Arizona, because we like saying the word, "hugbees". Go ahead.

Try it. *

Hugbees.

Hugbees.

Hugbees!

We now return to our regularly scheduled entry.

So Huckabee finally yielded to mathematics and threw in the towel.

Those of you with blood pressure problems should probably brace yourselves...

I'm kind of sad about that.  I really liked Mike Huckabee.

Everybody still alive?  Good.

So he was a baptist minister.  So he doesn't believe in evolution.  So he's a conservative.  I don't care, I liked the guy.  I might have even voted for him.

Why?

Well the big plus he had in the Captain Will camp was his support of the Fair Tax system.  I've done my homework about this, even signed a petition or two.  I like it, I think it's a great system, but I also realize it has about as much chance as snow related school closings in Hell.  The fact that Huckabee supported it was a really big deal to me.

I also liked his personality.  Unless you've been living in a cave, you probably know I'm a fan of the Colbert Report.  I like that Huckabee would stop in, goof around with Stephen, and even took part in the all out Stewart/Colbert/O'Brian multi-show beat-down extravaganza.  I like a guy who's not so full of himself that he'll participate in some great comedy.  You get a lot of character points, with me, that way.

So he threw in the towel and now the new Republican Golden Boy is McCain.  Bleah.

I don't really want to vote for Hillary, Obama doesn't really thrill me, but I'd rather have my nuts forcibly waxed and then hit with a hammer than have McCain for president.  I mean, c'mon!  I remember hearing, just a short while ago, that a lot of republicans hate him!

But Huckabee, I really liked him.  I think I liked him most of all because his name sounded a lot like Hugbees.  Just saying Hugbees makes you feel better.

All together now:

Hugbees!

Wow!  I feel better already!

_______________________________________________________________________
*Captain's Note:  I would have included a clip of this gag, but I couldn't find it.  Sorry you had to settle for the text.  Also, if anyone knows where I can get my hands on a Hugbees icon, please let me know.

Believe it or not, the title actually does have something to do with this post.

You see, friends and neighbors, with April Fools Day just around the corner, I was suddenly inspired by the following little prank to start finding a bunch of good ones and post them off and on over the next few weeks, hopefully to give somebody (preferably a pirate) an idea on which they might act, therefore bringing third-party pranking glory to me.

What you are about to behold is perhaps the best computer based prank... ever.

Enjoy.